You know you've been in Uganda a long time when…

I recently received this fun email detailing life in Uganda. The crazy thing is that I find myself doing much of what is described in it. I have added a couple explanations in italics when necessary.

Not too much fun to write about from this last week…lots of hours in the office with classwork and research as everything is now in full swing. My big news: I finished up my experiment on Tuesday…now begins the stage of spending copious amounts of time staring at a computer screen as I analyze all of my data.

Cheers!
Chris


You know you’ve been in Uganda a long time when…

…when driving, you find yourself using your turn signals as means of communication....i.e. 'the road is too thin', 'don't overtake there is a BUS coming', 'No I'm NOT going to turn here', 'whoopee, we won the football game!'

…you no longer get annoyed when people lie to you and make promises they can't possibly keep

…seeing someone speeding towards you in the wrong lane seems completely normal

…Your phone rings and it is a wrong number and you can keep the Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello's going back and forth like a tennis match until eventually the caller realizes you are the wrong number and abruptly hangs up, after spending at least 2 minutes worth of airtime

…You find yourself pointing with your lips and saying "yes" by raising both eyebrows.

…You can masterfully employ a variety of "Eh!" and "Eh eh!" noises to convey a range of meanings

…You know "Come back tomorrow at 10:00 a.m." means whatever you're trying to get done is NEVER going to happen

…You start using the words "even" and "ever" in places you never would have ("Even me, I'm feeling hungry," or "I have ever done that")

…You start referring to people as "this one" or "that one"

…You know you've, what?, been in Uganda a long time....when you, what?, start each sentence as a question and proceed to, what?, answer it yourself.

…You've figured out the Ugandan difference between food and snacks

…someone asks you "How is there?" You reply "It is there...

…You willingly drive into oncoming traffic just to avoid the potholes

…A car isn't full unless it has at least 7 people in it

…you can speak Uganglish so well that - you talk with a Ugandan accent; use words like 'shocked,' 'fearing,' 'extend,' 'balance,' ''somehow,' 'even me,' and 'can you imagine' and 'are you sure?' far too often...

…someone "flashes" your phone you just flash them back and wait for them to flash you back and then you flash them back and then they flash you back and.... (It doesn’t cost anything to receive phone calls here, so people will often “flash” someone so their number pops up as a missed call and the other person then has to call them back and spend their airtime)

…you know the load shedding schedule by heart

…you keep a jerry can full of water around, just in case…

…you feel exposed without bars on your windows

…When you come back from being out of the country and conversations go as:
Them: "you have been lost!!" and your response: "I have been found!"
Them: "how is there?" and you: "there is fine!"
Them: "you have gone fat!!!" and you are lost for words because you have forgotten how frank Ugandans are

…You emphasize how you like something and they say: "Are you sure?"

…you are asked how you are and your response is: "Me I am fine, how are you?"

…someone calls out your name and your reply is: "I am the one!"

…you end the conversation with "ok please"

…your knees ache from squatting over a long drop 4 times a day as a result of a parasite living in your intestines

…it's 80 degrees outside and there are people wearing parkas ("jumpers"?) and stocking caps

…You ask for someone, and you know the answer "He's within" means everything from "He's within the building" to "He's within the city" or even "He's within the country".

….you refer to others as 'you people' and don't intend to be rude

…you start sentences with 'As for me, I ….'

…you stop using those little 'off' or 'up' bits of verbs. You pick people. And you drop them.

…you get 'Fine' as a reply to your 'hello'.

…'nownow' means sometime soon, possibly in the next day or two, whereas 'now' means anytime in the next month.

….'moving' becomes 'shifting' (but you move with people rather than hang out with them)

…you stand in a line and feel something is very wrong because it is orderly and the person behind you respects your personal space...

…"ok" punctuates, modifies, tags and answers almost every sentence.

…"Bambi", said with that humble look, becomes your standard expression of sympathy. (“Bambi” means “please” in Luganda)

…you use the term "just there" to mean on the other side of the city

…"first let me come" or "first wait" makes perfect sense to you

…at the end of a meeting, you expect people to say, "Ok Please" as opposed to goodbye or have a nice one.

…your stories always have an "eh?" to make sure the people are listening

…you say SORRY! when someone hurts themselves through no fault of yours

…you call white people "muzungu" and forget that you yourself are white....

…you go to a restaurant and order something off the menu and the waiter/waitress looks you right in the eye and says "We don't have that one

…walking by a uniformed officer carrying an assault rifle is completely normal

…Clothes becomes a two-syllable word. Clo - thes.

…You know the man asking for Lose actually refers to Rose. And when someone says "let's play" you should stay seated. (in Luganda, there is no letter “r” and native speakers learning English often confuse/switch “l” and “r”)

…you don't get confused even though the person you're talking to keeps mixing up 'he' and 'she' in the same sentence talking about the same person.

…you are reluctant to let go of a new, CLEAN 1000 shilling note.

…your home does not have an address.

…your handshakes last an entire conversation

…next to a public phone at the bottom of the call cost there is a charge for beeping

…marriage proposals become a normal and almost expected thing from strangers.

…you have time to grab lunch while the bank teller cashes your check.

…you stop noticing how ugly marabou storks actually are

…you think the taxi you're about to enter is too full but the conductor will squeeze you in and let you sit where he was sitting but then he will be standing over you with his bad body odor.

…You have 9 x 10,000UGX bills and you wrap the 10th one around it and put it in your wallet.

…being given a "push" has nothing to do with "push and shove", but being escorted to your car after a visit....

…You lie on the phone that you are about to arrive for a meeting…yet you've not yet left you're home

…people walk into your house and you say "You are all most welcome!"

…you are making a verbal list and trail off saying "what, what.."

…you start calling inanimate objects "stubborn" when they don't work well

…you always use your big notes despite the fact that you have the exact change.

…umbrellas are not for rain but for the sunshine

…you think "eh" in a high pitch tone is the correct way to respond when a boda drivers price suggestion is too high.

…You have constant power supply at your house for a week and you are confused. You begin to think that UMEME is not correctly doing its work: supplying darkness instead
of light.

Africa time at its finest

Almost exactly 8 months ago, I first walked onto the Makerere Campus and began the process of finding a program of study, registering, and attempting to earn a degree from my time over here.

Several times last semester, after having gone through the archaic registration process, I attempted to get my student ID card. Each time, I was met with the same response: “not ready yet, try again in a few weeks.” I eventually gave up on getting the card last semester and decided I would just get it when I came back for my spring semester.

At the end of last week, just before the 4 day Easter Holiday, I again went through the steps of completing an outdated registration process. Here are the highlights of the process (I’ve probably forgotten a step or two along the way):

1. Fill out two hard copies of desired class schedule form
2. Obtain proof of payment
3. Obtain proof of receipt of payment
4. Make photocopies of everything
5. Take two copies of everything to Registrar
6. After “verification” by Registrar (pretty sure they never actually looked at mine), have class schedule form signed
7. Take form to different room in Registrar
8. Obtain slip showing completion of registration
9. Take slip to Faculty of Technology Registrar for signature
10. Make photocopies of completed registration slip
11. Return one photocopy to Faculty of Technology Registrar
12. Guard original copy of registration slip with my life

I remember complaining about the registration process at Iowa State a time or two...if I had only known then what I know now!

At the end of this process, I received instructions to wait for two days before going to get my student ID. On Wednesday of this week, I decided to try my luck. The result:

“Not ready yet, try again in a few weeks.”

Maybe they’ll have my student ID card ready by the time I leave in 7 weeks, but I’m not going to hold my breath!

Cheers!
Chris

P.S. I was telling this story - half joking/half venting - to a colleague over here and he reminded me that sometimes we need to keep everything in perspective and directed me to a webpage with these satellite images of the world at night (I've highlighted where I am on the second map):

Face to face with corruption (Part I)

Sign located at the tourist trap near the equator

Ask most Ugandans (or anyone living in Uganda for that matter) what the country’s greatest problem is and the most common response you’ll get is definitely corruption. As in many African countries, corruption permeates throughout society in Uganda. In fact, the country had the dubious honor of being declared the third most corrupt country in the world by Transparency Internation in 2001 (although in recent years it has improved - click here for the 2008 survey of 180 countries).

I managed to avoid any direct confrontation during my first few months in the country. Of course I still heard about bribes having to be paid, money disappearing within government, grades being bought at campus, etc. but I never actually was confronted with a situation where that was expected of me.

I haven’t been so lucky in the last few months. There have been two instances – beyond the usual "Muzungu price" and other "bonuses" that accompany my skin color – where I have been directly in a situation where I bribe was requested. I wish I could say that I was able to refuse paying the bribe both times and set the proper example, but that unfortunately isn’t the case.

The first instance happened in very early March, about a week before Tracy was to arrive. I had spent most of the day running errands to prepare for my experiments, which included spending copious amounts of time sitting in traffic that day. As a side note, I am thoroughly convinced that the "traffic police" over here actually slow traffic down more than they help it, especially when they consider themselves to be above the programmed logic of traffic stop lights. I remember that this was a day where I sat in my for 25 minutes without moving an inch as a police traffic cop "controlled" one of the main Kampala intersections. And by "controlled" I mean "let all other lanes of traffic flow smoothly while mysteriously letting traffic backup in one direction."

By the time I finally made it through the intersection, I was fairly agitated at the world in general (I have realized that wasting time - especially when stuck in poorly controlled traffic – is probably my single biggest pet peeve). I was running late but had one quick stop in the city center to pick up some luggage (another side note: luggage here in Uganda is ridiculously cheap…unfortunately, it’s quality is a bit reflective of that, so the 3 piece set I purchased will probably fall apart at the first real test of durability) before I was to head back to campus.

I found a parking spot - or what I believed to be a parking spot – jumped out of my car, and jogged the 2 blocks to the luggage store. After successfully bartering the luggage owner down to my price (which was probably still a rip-off, but I was happy with it) I took off, which gigantic suitcase in hand, speed walking back to my car.

When I got there, I found a big blue piece of paper stuck on my windshield. It said something along the lines of "Warning of past-due parking fees: Please present this paper at parking authority to clear fines or risk having car [immobilized]." Apparently, I had some parking fines which were unmet, which made zero sense to me since I had always paid parking costs upfront. Before I had much time to think about it, however, the nearby parking attendant had come up to me.

I immediately asked him to explain how I could have gotten the notice if I had always paid my fees, and he proceeded to tell me that I owed between 20,000-30,000 Ugandan Shillings (about $10-20) in parking fees, which was considerable knowing that each hour of parking costs $0.20. He also mentioned that I was parked illegally at that moment.

Normally, in a situation like this, I’m pretty level-headed and try to work through it. On this day, however, I was in no mood to deal with this and bluntly explained to the parking attendant that there was no way that was correct. I also asked him to explain how I was parked illegally if I was parked exactly like the other cars in front and behind of me and within the white outline on the road. He proceeded to show me a master list that did in fact list my license plate as having unpaid fees (which could have dated back to before I purchased the car) and told me that all of the cars in the area were parked illegally.

He further explained how I technically should have had my car wheels bracketed (the attendants basically lock your car in place with a large metal bracket around one wheel) but he had convinced them not to do so as he had seen that I was in a hurry.

Realizing that this guy wouldn’t be able to do much for me at that point, I opted to just leave the situation and figure it out later. I told him that I would take the paper to the parking authority and figure it out that way. He seemed to agree and then stepped back as I opened my door to get in a drive away.

At this point, the parking attendant loudly cleared his throat to regain my attention, looked at me, and then said "Sir, now for my lunch money."

I stopped, stood back up, and asked him to make sure I had heard him correctly. He repeated the phrase again.

After I registered what he was asking for, I incredulously asked why I should pay him anything. To this he explained how he had gone out of his way to prevent my car from being bracketed. At this point, I had had enough, and I launched into a mini lecture about how this was what was wrong with Uganda and partly why the country was stuck in the underdeveloped world, blah blah blah. Should I have done that? Probably not, but it didn’t matter either way because the guy wasn’t paying attention to what I was saying; he just wanted his bribe.

After stepping off of my soapbox I then asked what would happen if I didn’t pay him. I could tell he was a little taken aback by this question, and he didn't have any response beyond "Nothing."

Upon hearing this, I sat down in my car, wished the man a good day, and drove away. Winner of round one with African corruption: Chris.

While driving back toward campus, I came up with the following scenario to explain what had happened:

1. Parking attendant sees Muzungu park and get out of his car in an obvious hurry
2. Parking attendant checks master list to see if car is listed as having unpaid fees...bingo!
3. Parking attendant sets warning note on car and continues checking other vehicles, but keeping a close watch on Muzugu's car.
4. When Muzungu returns, parking attendant approaches to help "resolve the situation" quickly so Muzugu can be on his way
5. Makes up a story about how there is 20,000-30,000 in unpaid fines (my guess is that even 400 Shillings - $0.20 - in unpaid tickets showed up on that list) and how the car should have been bracketed
6. Claims that parking was done illegally, which is commonly the case in Kampala since nobody knows what is legal or illegal due to the markings being so poor
7. Muzungu calls attendant's bluff and he can't back it up

Is that what actually happened? I'll never know, but I haven't had any further problems (not yet at least) with parking since then.

That was my first brush with corruption on a very small scale. In a later post I'll explain a slightly larger run-in with corruption.

Hope everyone had a very happy Easter!

Cheers!
Chris

Ugandanisms

I realized in December one of the difficulties of coming home (and Tracy can now attest to this as well): no one understands the language idiosyncrasies that I have picked up while living over here. While my friends and I over here throw a little Ugandan “slang” into our every day talk for a few laughs, I just get random stares when I inadvertently do the same back in the United States.

Ugandans definitely have their own format of English. It evolved from British English back when Uganda was a British protectorate (1862-1962) and has taken a style of its own.

So, if you ever hear me utter any of the follow random phrases, now you’ll know why:

• Muzungu: My unofficial name over here; from what I understand, it is Swahili for “white person” and is used throughout East Africa. It is not a derogatory term and is used by everyone – from young kids up to elders – to refer mainly to people of European decent. However, it can also be extended to anyone who is lighter skinned than Africans, such as Latinos and Asians
• Nedda!: Simply means “No!” in Luganda, but much more fun to say – this was Tracy’s favorite phrase while over here
• Fine!: One of the most commonly heard words here; usually said with a very strong emphasis on the first half of the word (especially when said by kids) which I think makes it more fun to say. There apparently is an unwritten rule that “fine” is basically the only answer that can be given to the question “How are you?” or “How is the day?” Slight variations include “very fine” and “not so fine.” I think I'll try to bring supa-fine into the Ugandan context.
• Sorry…sorry…sorry: Ugandans tend to “apologize” for everything, whether it is in their own control or not. Case in point: I was at a meeting the other day and a chair got knocked over. Almost simultaneously about half of the meeting participants said “oooo, sorry…”
• Yes please: Ugandans tend to throw the word “please” into phrases much more than Americans, including in situations that don’t make any sense to us. For example, if I say someone’s name in an effort to get their attention, they’ll usually answer with “yes please.” The irony here is that Ugandans don’t use “please” in the context familiar to us very often. In fact, I’ve made some of my classmates repeat questions of me using the word please (picture a parent emphasizing to their child how to be polite in conversation) when they seemed to be demanding things of me rather than requesting. :)
  
• Okay please: Similar to “yes please” above, “please” gets thrown on the end of “okay” in every-day Ugandan English. For example, I tell a person to have a nice day and they reply with “okay please.”
• “What?” as a point of emphasis: Ugandans – especially Ugandan lecturers at Makerere – will sometimes interrupt their sentences with “what” as a way to emphasize a point (although sometimes I think it is just used as a filler as well). For example: “The fan is used for the what? The drying of the feedstock.” Or, “We will meet at the what? The stadium.” At first, I thought this was an actual question, and a couple times I did answer what I believed to be the question, which actually threw off the speaker a little. Only later did I realize it is used almost entirely in a rhetorical sense.
• “You are welcome” before “thank you”: This is what Tracy noticed first when she got here. Ugandans are generally very welcoming people, and when you first meet someone it is very common for them to say “You are welcome!” to which we would respond “thank you…?”
• Eyebrow raise & “mmmmm”: This one took me awhile to adjust to, but it’s simply a way of answering “yes” to a question. The first few times a Ugandan responded to a question by raising his/her eyebrows and giving a small “mmm,” I thought they were just blowing me off. It took me awhile to realize it was actually them giving a positive response to my question. It’s still a little off-setting when someone does this, but I’ve gotten used to it and occasionally find myself doing it as well. However, it’s a very dry way of responding to a question and I have realized I only do it when I’m annoyed with someone. So, if I do this to you, well, sorry…sorry…sorry.
• Responses to a simple hello: Basically all Ugandans speak a native tribal language outside of English. When you get outside of Kampala, many people know very limited English, if any at all. This makes for some interesting conversations, especially with people who have just a little grasp on English. The most obvious difference is how people will respond to a simple “hello.” Instead of a “hi” or “hello” in return, they’ll usually say “fine.” I eventually realized that this is because in Luganda (the main tribal language in the Kampala area) and most other related tribal languages (all of those that are Bantu-based, I believe), there actually is no translation for “hello.” Instead, it is customary to greet someone with the question “how are you.” So any conversation starter is assumed to be this, and the only response they know is “fine.” Another lost-in-translation occurrence is little kids that will often come running up to me shouting “Bye, Muzungu, bye!” I originally thought it was them mispronouncing “hi,” but I figured out that wasn’t the case. I’m still not sure why this is said, maybe I’ll figure it out in the next 7 weeks…
• Short Call: A Ugandan way of saying I’m going to the bathroom for a #1
• Long Call: A Ugandan way of saying I’m going to the bathroom for a #2

That's all I can think of for now - I may add some more in the future if they come to me.

Cheers!
Chris

P.S. It has nothing to do with this post, but since it's Easter time, here are a few pictures of the church I attend:

St. John's Church of Kawuku - an Anglican church about 10 minutes' walk from my home


A look at the inside of church at the end of a normal service (two weeks before Easter)


The children from the church-run school performed two weeks before Easter


Baptisms occurred the Monday after Easter. I attended for part of the ceremony (I opted not to stay for all 30-40 children) to see what it was like: they're sprinklers, not dunkers :)